THE OLYMPICS ON TV AT THE EXPERIMENTAL MUSIC COFFEEHOUSE OVER THE RADIO IN A DORM ROOM | ||||||
THE OLYMPICS ON TV AT THE EXPERIMENTAL MUSIC COFFEEHOUSE OVER THE RADIO IN A DORM ROOM
a radio play written and performed by MUSIC 199 - Music and Beyond - B = ben jenkins TABLE THREE / 20 CONSONANT SPORTSCASTER D = danielle chynoweth as the waiter E = mark enslin TABLE THREE / 20 CONSONANT SPORTSCASTER EB = erica bonovitz as herself and as Kate TABLE ONE J = joe wicks TABLE TWO / DORMROOM JJ = jason merriwether ENGINEER 2 / TABLE THREE K = Kord Russell TABLE THREE L = eric bright as himself and as Marc TABLE TWO M = mike suchy DORMROOM / TABLE TWO / JUDGED APPLAUSE SPORTSCASTER MC = matt nimnicht as himself and MC / ENGINEER 1 R = rob benton TABLE ONE S = steve abreu as himself and as Jeffrey TABLE ONE T = Tracy malvar as tracy and as Stacey TABLE TWO / JUDGED APPLAUSE SPORTSCASTER W = william as various dj’s Other contributors include Susan Parenti and Herbert Brün setup
BOLDFACE TYPE INDICATES THAT OTHER TABLES SHOULD BE CLINKING SAUCERS, HAVING CONVERSATIONS THAT ARE MURMURED AWAY FROM THE MICROPHONES, IMPROVISED OR USING STEVE’S SCRIPTS, AND ASKING THE WAITER FOR WATER W: this is WEFT Champaign and the name of the show is Eclectic Seizure. stay tuned for a radio play written and performed by MUSIC 199 - Music and Beyond - but first, let’s test the equipment with a little electronic music by Herbert Brun… WAYFARING SOUNDS / I TOLD YOU SO … scene i: dorm room[Electric pencil sharpener grinding away] J I’m sick and tired of always studying for these tests. They never end. And I know I’ll fail ‘em all. M Yeah, I know exactly what you’re saying. Tests are everywhere; it seems like my whole life is just a bunch of tests. J Ya know what? After these exams are over, I’m going home for the weekend. Take myself a little break. [pencil sharpens again] M Yeah well, who’s to say you’ll find any escape when you go home. If you will, let me take a minute to tell you about the last time I went home. [Pencil sharpener] Test Results [Pencil sharpener] J That’s an odd way of putting it, man. Might I add that if you take too many of those kinds of tests, you’ll eventually fail. M (sullenly) I know, I know all too well J Enough of this. Back to the real issue at hand–Chem test! If I don’t hit the books hard, my Chem grade is gonna be at an all time low. [sharpener] M Ya know– Zumdahl’s book ain’t too crappy if waxing queue veggiez!. J Cheers to that! [clink glasses] M My little brother is so funny. He’s just beginning to learn how to think and put stuff together. you should see some of the odd combos he comes up with when he mixes one idea with another. J What do you mean? M Well, the other day, he learned how to tie his shoes. All he does now is tie his shoes to a table leg. J Weird kid, man. M Yeah, well, today he was sitting by his toy piano in his room. He kept staring at the wall, too. I don’t know why, all he’s got on the wall are wood cutouts of his initials. J Interesting. M Yeah, then all of a sudden he started tinkering on the piano and came up with a little tune. He played it so many times, I remember exactly how it goes now. J Oh yeah, let’s hear it. M If you say so. Initial Piano [CB radio] [Khh indicates a static burst from mouth. All CB lines spoken into coffeecups] E Khh. Breaker 1-9, Babe here, goin’ north bound on logging road Z. Khh. K Khh. Go ahead break. Khh. E Khh. Looks like a pile of trash blocking the road. Khh. K Khh. What kind of trash, over. Khh. (pause) E Khh. Looks like . . . looks like some kinda, ahh, protesters. Can’t see what they’re doing yet, over. Khh. K Khh. Sounds like you got you some Earth Firsters, Babe. Step on it, over. Khh. E Khh. Pancake breakfast, over. Khh. MC [Sound engineer 1]: Let me hear mic number 2. JJ [Sound engineer 2]: Testing 2, 3, 5, 8 . . . I think we’re picking up a radio signal in this monitor. E Khh. These bozos got a big roadblock, I’m gonna have to pull over. Looks like a sound stage, over. Khh. K Khh. Blockin’ the road with rock concert, huh? Boy that burns me up, don’t they know we got families to feed? Over. Khh. E Khh. Not a rock concert. They’re waving pieces of paper around. Khh. K Khh. Ya might as well watch the show until Smoky arrives, over. Khh. E Khh. Roger. Matt’s paper piece scene ii: coffeehouse[applause. café ambience. D improvises taking people’s orders simultaneously with people having quiet conversations continuously ] [tapping on table] R How’d you get here? S Subway–freakin’ freezing R Excited? S Nervous. R Practice? S Nope. R What ya drinking? [tapping stops] S Huh? R Your drink? S Did you see that guy with the freaky hat? [tapping] R Him? S Yeah. I think he’s starting before me. R What are you doing, anyway? [tapping stops] S Tonight? MC: [Softly] Well, wasn’t that wonderful, I love contortionists and . . . S Shh . . . R Are you next? S No, that guy is. MC: It’s just a shame about that. Well anyway if there’s a Bill Johnson . . . S Did you catch the Buckeye’s game? Trounced ‘em 48 to 6. Stanley Jackson’s incredible. R Don’t you think you should practice? [tapping] S Um . . . can you buy me a cappuccino? I’ll be right back. Here’s 5 bucks. [tapping stops] R Waiter? D Yes sir. R My friend would like a cappucino. D Whatever. [in studio: danielle’s box playing rolling stones tape] D [rings call bell] i need a cappucino! W [as cook] fix it yourself i’m busy frying up a number twentytwo D make it myself? W you heard me. D i don’t make food, buddy, i serve it. and that’s the same with beverages. [pause. callbell.] W i’m busy D don’t make me lose my temper! W what? [callbell] D Dog-gone! W No one nob a bee-bee by a bee because sassy says so! D A squeeze! W Zippy-pip-pip! D POP! W PAPA! D AXE! W XAVIER?! D RAY!? [callbell, clatter of metal pans] W OOF! D Fall all! W Look, kooky! [callbell] D Yea, you jaw! [callbell] W Wow! [callbell] -Erica Bonovitz MC: And another thing, I told him to take a hike . . . get it? Okay, a very funny lady is coming to the…. R Where’d you go? S I had to check my email. R And? S Caught the tail end of Sesame Street, are you going to get me a drink or not? Thanks. Hey, brought to you by S, T, U, and V, the number 4. MC: Please welcome Steve Abreu to the mic, master of spontaneous poetry. R Well, knock ‘em dead. S Yeah. (gets up on stage) IN RESPONSE TO A VERY MISSED TIMED E-MAIL BY MY CRUSH IN MIDDLE SCHOOL: 1 [simultaneous with poem:] JJ oh, waiter? K shhh… this guy’s stuff is really weird [pause] JJ waiter? D yeah, whaddaya want? K sh… JJ yeah, can i have the… uh, the beer flambe? what’s that? D we take a beer, dump some 151 proof rum in, and set it on fire tableside. JJ that’s really dumb, man D yeah. you want one? JJ naw, just bring me a dictionary… K can you guys shut up? [poem ends] S that’s the first version of my poem. it just came to me. naturally. like the sudden… onset of a fever, or disease, like malaria or plagiarism. i wrote a second version of the same poem using four-line stanzas in which every line begins with S, T, U, or V, but it wasn’t as inspired. it lacked… effortlessness, i guess. K read it! S i just did! D and what would you, like, like, sir? B a beer flambe! K i couldn’t hear it. read it again! B now! S well, okay, i guess so. since i’ve been reading poetry for five years and you’re the first person who ever asked me to. i’ll read the second version… IN RESPONSE TO A VERY MISSED TIMED E-MAIL BY MY CRUSH IN MIDDLE SCHOOL: 2: STUV [applause] L HEY, GUYS! T how’s it going? J what’s up? T what are you doing here? i didn’t think you were a coffee guy! L no, not really a coffee guy. i heard about open mike night and wrote a couple of pieces for it. J really? T that’s cool. L yeah. i had fun. J so, where’s your band? L right here. [rustling paper] T huh? that’s your band? L yup. only paper instruments. J why? L well i saw the CSO recently and thought: i want an orchestra of my own. so the only thing i had was tons of paper. T that’s pretty weird! L no it’s not what i would call COMMON J common? T what do you mean? MC and now, ladies and gentlemen man, beautiful children of the coffeehouse, give it up for eric bright and his paper orchestra L i’m on. you figure it out! [rip!] crap! i tore the cello! J oh, give me a break T just listen, i think i know J what is it? T just listen. ERIC’S PAPER SEXTET [applause] T ha, ha, very funny! L what? T common. not a common piece. it wasn’t common because it was in 5/4. L right. how did you know? T i saw you directing your orchestra L i guess that is a dead giveaway J dead is right! L excuse me? J that wasn’t music! L why not? J it didn’t have any notes or instruments! T that’s what he said his paper was L and there were notes. each paper had its own pitch and rhythm. i’d call that music. J but it didn’t sound right. T that made it sound better. he flipped the music norm so it wasn’t so boring. L: thank you. i tried to make it different, entertaining, and fluid. J it wasn’t T it was L thanks, I think J i’ll take guitar anyday over paper! [adjacent lines spoken together] E that was very interesting JJ I didn't understand it (1 sec. pause) E maybe the next one will be better JJ would you like something at the bar? (2 sec. pause) E naw-uh. (stop) I wonder if the composer got a grant from the... JJ I thought (stop) I heard some structure of the piece or maybe I'm E ...............................NEA. Sometimes I worry about where my JJ making the structure. There was this loud thumping sound that E tax dollars go. They say every American on average only gives 17 JJ seemed to distract from the important part--quiet rustling, crumpling E cents to the NEA. But 17 cents is 17 cents. I could buy my kid a lollipop.. JJ and rubbing of paper. At some point the rhythm was destabilized by this. (4 sec. pause) E I don't think I heard that. JJ I don't think paper costs much. D Would you like more soda? (1/2 sec pause) E No thanks. Do you have anything salty? like anchovies? JJ N aaa w . excuse me, I need to use the restroom (chair noise) D Don't worry. The manager won't allow that act in here again. (2 sec. pause) E I wouldn't want to go to a night club that condones censorship. D I mean, what are they trying to do? Make some kind of joke? (1 sec. pause) E You're right. It wasn't funny. D Bar closes in fifteen minutes. MC everybody give a warm round of applause for JJ JJ Feelings Sometimes Something Gets Started. Don’t Talk Kind, Dealing Generous Sounds, Sight, Temptation. None Ever Realize Eaten Nourishment Till Later. Rest The Event, Then Now Wish Her Right Thought To Offer Rest. Talk Kills Simple Emotions Seeking Genders. So Open Noon, Night, The Evening. Give Each Help. Prove Emotions Sincerely, Yet Thankful Like Everlasting. Go On Now… - JJ Merriwether J JJ! JJ joe! J long time no see JJ yeah i know. so how’s it going? J beautiful, just beautiful… say, that piece of your you just did… JJ yeah? J i loved it! i’m no poet, myself, so why don’t you tell me a little bit about it. JJ sure. even though i’m only 18, i’ve been through a lot. bad relationships just happens to be one example. i was trying to suggest a way of going about finding a good relationship so someone else won’t get hurt. J then why didn’t you say that when you were up there? JJ because there’s a catch. i limited myself to using the last letter of each word as the first letter of the next, that way i can really search my heart for my, true, feelings. J well! haven’t we come up since high school! JJ oh yeah? wait ‘til you hear this next piece of mine called My Place. you already know that I was raised on the South Side of Chicago, and you know how bad things were in the streets back home. so i decided to expose just some of the harsh realities, my realities… MC ladies and gentlemen please welcome back to the stage: JJ [applause] JJ oh, that’s my cue. see ya later, joe! J take care JJ! [awed] wow! what a guy! My Place [applause] R waiter? waiter! D yes… sir? R could you turn on the TV? the experimental composition olympics are on… D but… sir, there are performers onstage… R could you turn on the TV? the experimental composition olympics are on… D but… R could you? D … of course… sir. [with eric conducting, everyone gives a burst of static mouthnoises and tearing paper, then…] scene iii: O L Y M P I C S[football march] [cheering loop] W …live in Oslo, Norway. Welcome to RBS’s coverage at the 30th Olympic Games. D [in studio] We’ve had quite a lot of unusual competition today W Well, at least the attendance hasn’t been down, in case you missed it, it’s day one of experimental games D And we have a full day of 20 consonant poetry and a new event, popular here in Norway, called Judged Applause W Let’s go down to Bornen Market Centerwhere Andrea Roberts & Marky Postal are live at the Judged Applause Venue. T [whisper] our first competitor is Ben… he’s ready to go M but first we should explain the rules to our viewers at home T the competitors are given 100 opportunities to either clap or not clap, and the competitors are also allowed to pick the speed at which the 100 events take place M Ben is known as one of the best in his field T well, he hails from Switzerland which holds the 1995 Judged Applause team title M we now join Ben on the field for his first attempt BEN’S CLAPPING PIECE clap 1 M a great clap… Ben’s enthusiasm is really being conveyed well here today T could that be it? will there be another attack? the crowd is breathless clap 2
M so far this piece seems to have a very slow tempo T we’re getting the time signature now, marky, and it’s 100 over 4 clap 3 M this is no ordinary technique claps 4-8 [M & T gasp and murmer with each clap] M a truly amazing performance in the arena here today. T a very amazing piece. well we’ll be seeing the scores in a few minutes. and now over to Mark in the twenty consonant arena [reset loop to indicate cut] E Thanks, Tracy. The rules of the twenty consonant competition are as follows: the contestant is to use each of the twenty consonants in the english alphabet once, and only once, using vowels freely. B And, as you know, Mark, since a decision made in the 1991 games in Reykjavik, the letter Y is considered a vowel. E That’s right, Ben, and, given these constraints, our olympiads are expected to compose a poem with a deeper meaning, one that addresses issues of truth, beauty, love, death, family... B Experiences universal to all the spectators in the stands here today. E Universal to all of us, Ben. B That’s right. Well, last year’s gold medalist Matt Nimnicht is just now taking the field for the twenty consonant poetry event. The crowd is sitting on the edge of its collective seat waiting to hear what Matt will do with this most exacting of poetic hurdles. He’s taking a big breath, and… MC mixed up the joker’s face, zany view, bag quip quite very waxed from gaba loss, hijack zen zoom quickly, fax a gag, just weave rabid, happen -Matt Nimnicht B Zowie! Whoa! A quantum back flip over our judges’ apex! Matt Nimnicht is clearly at the top of his game. Here he is just coming off the field. Matt, you must be feeling pretty good at this moment, wouldn’t you say? MC ? B I couldn’t help noticing that there were only three words in the whole poem that contained the letter G. Was this part of your overall game plan? MC ? B So are you saying that in every line, each of the twenty consonants appeared only once? MC ? B What, exactly, is ‘gaba’? MC ? B The crowd is still shaking its collective head over "mixed up the joker’s face, zany view, bag quip". Could you let our audience at home in on what you had in mind with that line? MC ? B I think our audience can relate to that. And how about "quite very waxed from gaba loss, hijack zen"? MC ? B And where does "zoom quickly, fax a gag, just weave rabid, happen" fit in? MC ? B I know what you mean, Matt. We’ll be looking forward to your next event. We’ve been speaking with Matt Nimnicht, a formidable juggernaut in the 20 consonant event. And now back to Tracy Malvar at the judged applause. [reset loop] T We’re seconds away from the next competitor, Steve Abreu. Steve Abreu is a powerhouse of rhythmic subtlety, M …and he broke the world’s record when he became the first human being to break the time signature of 11 over 13. T Tonight, Steve is doing something no competitor has eer done for the Judged Applause competition: he is using a piano. M This is certainly going to cause our judges some consternation. He is about to begin. Steve’s Clapping Piece [pause loop] W We interrupt the experimental composition olympics to bring you the following important news spasm. K [in studio, close miked] BEN’S ANALINE POEM W This has been a test of EPS, the emergency poetry system. In the event of an epic poem, you will be advised to situate yourself where you can be close to your radio for an extended period of time. We now return you to the experimental composition olympics… [unpause loop] E our next twenty consonant competitor is Eric Bright ERIC’S TWENTY CONSONANT POEM B quickly now we take you back to Mike at the Judged Applause Event. [reset loop] M …of the funny things about this event is that spectators are discouraged from applauding as this might throw the judges off. So many enthusiasts have brought musical instruments and use them to show their appreciation for the applause onstage T Funny, isn’t it, Matt? M Not really, Tracy, not to me. T Our final competitor today is Joe Wicks JOE’S CLAPPING PIECE [end loop] [applause] scene iv: coffeehouse againK Turn off the stupid TV, I can’t hear the performers onstage! [with eric conducting, everyone gives a burst of static mouthnoises and tearing paper, then…] MC: CONCERNING THE FOLLOWING PIECE: BE CONCERNED, DO NOT BE VERY CONCERNED! KORD’S PAPER PIECE [applause] MC: Yuck. Why did you write that? K: I was feeling nauseaus. MC: Well, why did you perform it then? K: Oh, I was feeling noxious...wanted to share. MC: That's great. Wanna perform it again? K: Naww, shucks. MC: Disgusting. K: You should hear my theater piece! MC: I will. MC: 20 CONSONANT THEATER BRINGS YOU: DEATH IN THE CLASSIC TRADITION. (AND REMEMBER FOLKS, DEATH IS NEVER REALLY CLASSIC.) KORD’S TWENTY CONSONANT POEM [applause] T hey erica, can i sit here? E sure, tracy T how’s it going? EB good, and you? T ok, how’s JJ? why’s he sitting 2 tables away? EB you didn’t hear? we broke up! T no way! EB things were just crazy… T that sucks, i’m sorry. EB yeah,… oh well… i wonder what he’s doing over there, it looks like he’s writing something… i wonder what… JJ [speaking softly close to the microphone] i’m sorry erica. here i am sitting 2 tables away from you, writing this letter. there you are sitting all alone, and here i am too chicken to face you. tracy just left you looking so depressed. i wonder what you two were talking about. anyway, i’m so confused right now. we’ve been together for such a long time. just look at you, you’re such a beautiful person. i must be crazy. oh, now here comes matt. gosh, look at your beautiful smile as you greet him. it lights up the room. well, i guess this is it. sorry, erica. it’s not working. we have to… S break up?! erica, why did you tell tracy that you broke up with JJ!?! EB i don’t know, steve. i just wanted to see tracy’s reaction… she’s so gullible, ya know? i’ll tell her the truth later. S be careful… what if it comes true? EB never would happen. we’re perfect… we’re… D excuse me, are you erica? EB um…. yes D that guy over there wanted me to give this letter to you. he says he’s terribly sorry. EB oh… thank you. S erica, what is it. you look like you’ve seen a ghost. EB shhh… let me open [exaggerated sound of envelope torn open] ERICA & TRACY’S PAPER PIECE [applause] J what is going on here? gee, i thought this was going to be a coffeehouse, with music and- T well, this is a coffeehouse, and there is music, it’s just- J music?? i haven’t heard any music at all! where was the music? T welll-, there was music made out of the sounds of paper, and- J that isn’t music!! those little rustly sounds of paper. paper: that’s not music!! music is guitars + drums + singing + - T well, they’ve been playing pieces that are made out of paper sounds. it is a kind of music that- J violins and saxophones and electronics and trumpets. that’s music. paper sounds are noise. just NOISE T shhsh- they’re about to start the coffee house again. J oh dear. i think i’ll leave- T shh- the MUSIC is about to begin!! J you mean, the NOISE is about to begin!! BEN’S PAPER PIECE MC That was Ben Jenkins with his Rhapsody in Bond. Welcome back to the stage now: Kord Russel. Kord, I have a feeling that that piece that you’re gonna do next will be baffling -- "People-ism?" K: It's the result of some particularly frustrating conversations that I've recently had concerning gender. MC: Gender -- you mean like sex? Boys and girls? K: Perhaps. MC: But there will be no gender in it -- there won't even be any mention of women -- it will all be men. K: No, it won't. But you have hit on something relevant: As a result of the conversations I've been having, I decided to consider my closest relationships in terms of gender. I quickly realized that gender was the least interesting category to consider. I was more interested in other distinctions that determined our relations -- passions, quirks, hopes and fears. Characterizing any of these distinctions as gender-specific added nothing to them -- it was either culturally redundant or culturally inconsistent to do so. So what? So I wrote down these conversations, carefully extracting all gendered terms from them. == tried mixing up these conversations with other textual fragments that might explode, or implode, them in various yet-undetermined ways. MC: The point of the conversations? K: Exactly: the point. MC: Sounds dangerous -- politically -- like saying you’re 'colorblind' as a way of 'combatting' racism. K: I think it is dangerous. I hope it's something else at the same time -- that, I don't know yet. I can tell you what it's against: Most people only see gender, i.e., see everything as subcategory of gender. I offer this piece at least as a break from that homogenous gender blob MC: one more question before we hear the piece: what gender are you? K: yellow ochre GENDER-LESS [applause] MC Thanks man. Thank you all for coming out and make sure you tip your waiter good. Okay, our last act tonight is Rob Benton, and he’s going to read an I-Poem, a poem about himself. Take it away, my man. I [applause] BEN’S CLAPPING WITH PITCHES [applause] [silence] scene vi: DORMROOMJ: what are you listening to? M: 20 consonant radio J: oh, i’ve had enough of that M: no you should listen to this poem: Stop KGBFV Kix is so you loved quiet jazz: wow we be forgone chime/ VW’s shushed my queue Jay: eat Kix, Xerox Oz love capping/ love is so You Kix quiet forgone chime. we’d be jazz/ if forgone Jay dimes shushed vow kix-queue zap taco bell! Was shushed my queue, bo eating Kix, xerox-love-jazz copy Fo/J xerox chime? O, quiet jazz and I go well - Steve Abreu J that doesn’t even make sense M this stuff is great. you’re just stuck in the realm of constraint freedom. you should live a little… take today for example: i talked to the bank teller only allowing myself 2 consonants per word. more money. more money. need some now. J and? M well, she asked me if i had an account there J and? M well, i pretty much just kept saying: need money. J so Y is a vowel. i see. and what happened? M nothing. she looked at me, smiled, and that was it. J did you get your money? M nope…. can you buy me some food? [mixer off] W [with music? rock] ZOXY radio, Cincinatti’s so-so Susie suki-yaki quell bob jam wave, off Hugo/Susie’s yacht toy travelling jazzy pad. FM (104) Wequabex / Radio, Cincinatti’s ZOXY! - Steve Abreu A MUSICAL LIE THEENDdanielle: boombox callbell, music for radio ZOXY dishes and silverware pitcher of ice water sound effects of sports arena, cafeteria greatest college football marches rolling stones tape sports tape from theater therapy? microcasstte | ||||||
| 1997 |